How I've Changed & Didn't Notice-->

I’ve been doing some serious self exploration for a few days now and I’ve come to realize that I’ve changed in some ways that weren’t even obvious to me until the evidence started piling up. I’ve become rigid, cold, less affectionate and even less romantic. I have come to care little for the pursuit ofhappiness and more for the accumulation of wealth and success. This was made clear to me through an accumulation of evidence in people’s reaction to me over the past few years and then finally by comments of a stranger. It’s like someone waived their hand in front of me and suddenly I could see the past, the present and several potential futures all in unison.

It’s funny how perception of one’s self can be behind the reality of self because small and slow changes that occur can be so subtle when they happen that you transform without really knowing how you got somewhere. What to do when you have realized you are different is more complex because this realization can change the way you view the relationships you have and the world around you.

I still retain my passion and ambition but there’s a fear in me now that was never really there just a few years ago. Some have told me it’s because I have a child and a family but I don’t accept that as the reason for this growing tension in my soul. I was never the type to be consumed by fear or even give it a second thought. I was careless and fearless when I was much younger and I am much more careful, thoughtful but also kinda fear driven in a way that doesn’t make any logical sense to me.

I’ve totally lost my ability to be affectionate with another human being. How the hell did this happen? My girlfriend is not the most affectionate person and never has been. That’s part of it. Without using it obviously it would become less of a thing. My affection for others and their reciprocation used to be an essential part of who I was. It fueled the fire in me that kept my soul bright and my mind sharp.

I’m no longer a romantic. This one completely confuses me as well but I understand where it came from. I used to do things that were subtle, creative andbeautiful that expressed this part of me so well. I kinda know where this one comes from. I have tended to choose woman who were tough because I respect a woman with a sharp opinion and the tongue to deliver it with but most women I’ve been with are not so good with giving praise or praise given to them. However, most of the women I have chosen really didn’t respect my romantic side and some women even ran over me a bit when I showed it. I think I started to consider it a weakness and became very cautious in my use of it until it was nearly absent from my life.

I’m full of internal and external distractions. I tend to distract myself very easily these days. When I’m feeling down I shop, play games or watch TV and really haven’t investigated why I feel down. I’ve always been kinda this way but there used to be a balance. I used to find peace in being still, being alone and listening the whispers of the world you can only hear when you tune out the distractions. Through my peace I was closest to god. I still feal that closeness to god and deep faith but I’ve lost some of the personal relationship I had with god.

I used to see the harmony in the world. I was always of the view that I had a special insight in to the world and I could see details that nobody else really cared to see. I’ve started doing this again. It’s like I’ve awoken from a long slumber and I can see details that I never saw when I looked at the same thing dozens of times. I’ve always had the ability to look at the same thing from a multitude of different perspectives and see the logic of opposing view points to realize that both view points were right in most cases because perception is not something that is right or wrong. It is what it is. I’m gaining this one back and through it I hope to release my fear.

I used to write daily. Writing has always been good for my soul. It has shown me insight on to things that I didn’t shed light on till I wrote them down. It has given me a window in to others that goes deeper than my perceived view of them. I’ve gotten away from writing and when I have written it’s not been for me. In some cases, not all, it’s like someone else is writing and sometimes I read the things I wrote and I’m not sure it’s me. Writing has given me glimpses in to my former self and helped me come to the realization of who I am now.

So, who am I now that I know? Probably a combination of who I was and who I aspire to be. I’ve never been that resistant to change. It’s likely I will start redefining myself and that process is very likely to be dangerous to my current lifestyle and set of standards. I will define myself for the better in some people’s eyes and for the worst in other people’s eyes. But change is the only constant in the universe and through change comes re-birth. Once I reduce the fear in my soul I will be able to come to some definitions on who I will become and what it means to my life. I’m in that process now.