And Then There Was Light...-->

I was given a gift for my October as part of my renewal that hurt me to the core so much I couldn’t absorb it in to my world. It was like oil trying to mix with the fluid of my life and there was little I could say or do that would deflect it back in to the atmosphere once those cold words hit my ear. The magnitude of this was atomic and it had to be sourced… I needed confirmation in order to be certain of this. The truth could put my world in to chaos in such a way that I would be lost in the wilderness, no longer with the remedy that existed in my heart for the ills of the world. Now my heart is less than it should be and weakened by the dishonesty of those I thought cared for me so deeply that I rarely questioned their word. But my resolve is strengthened by the will to make sure my son is a wiser man than I and to make sure that my life is filled with the peace I deserve. 

In my situation there can be no peace for now and turbulence will have to be a part of who I am for the time being. I must mask how I feel in order to be better because work needs to done, people count on me and to act emotional would be foolish. Emotion is what got me here… being blinded in the face of the truth and not being as watchful as I should have been. I could have asked the right questions to the right people. I could have been something more than what I was. Yet I don’t regret who I am because this was the path to what I needed to be I can only assume. I can learn my lesson but I’m not sure what the real cost is and only time will be my guide for that question. 

It was my highest imperative to not repeat the sins of my parents… to be wiser and to learn from those before. Unfortunately, I may repeat the past and there is little that I can do for that knowing what I know. I hope my son forgives me. I hope he can understand what I could not and do better than I did. I will guide him in that direction and through my best efforts may he learn to be a better man than I could be and see things that I was blinded to.

The burden of truth is more expensive than ignorance and I’m the bearer of a debt now so great that I’m not sure I can sleep at night because my dreams bear the cost of knowing deception’s face. I’ve helped so many and worked hard to do right by the world. I can’t help but feel slighted and feel that the fact the wounds are so deep that it’s my own fault for not seeing I was being cut in the first place. I ignored, I deflected, I excused behavior, and I watched as my spirit slowly devolved in to something less than I can now be proud of. 

I was told by a friend that what someone else does to you says nothing about you but everything about them. This is wise advice but I have a hard time not taking some responsibility for the degree I let myself get harmed. Knowing as much as I know about life and as much as I have learned by watching others make mistakes I am but a child in this universe and have so much more to get out of life. I still feel protected under God’s arm and this will not shake my faith as much as it will strengthen my faith. I will do my best to not be bitter or self-destructive. I have friends I didn’t know existed and through this I will find out who the best of them are.