My One Biggest Flaw...-->

So, time and time again I realized I have this huge flaw that I haven’t been able to correct no matter how many years I’ve worked on it. I think this is probably kind of personal to put in the public but this is my journal of sorts and I need to write about this because that may help me one day resolve this issue.

I was raised a great deal by my Grandmother, who is now deceased. I love my Grandmother with all of my heart but she did help pass this flaw on to me and the only way to own it is to understand where it comes from. I generally am good with words and craft them with purpose and intention when I write. However, there are a few times in my life where when I let someone make me feel powerless or backed in to a corner I spew garbage from my mouth that I don’t mean to intentionally hurt people. The thing is I don’t mean it but it’s like an inpulse that seems right when I say it and I feel justified. However, my sensibility and empathy set in and I know that I’m wrong so I begin to hate myself for what I said especially when someone will not accept my apology and understand where I’m coming from on this. It’s like poison to my soul and the worse the thing I said the harder the impact is to me. There’s a good reason I have a circle with two arrows tatooed on my shoulder. I feel all things are rectified in the end. That energy you put out comes back to you. It’s my strong sense of justice that keeps me from doing wrong to people intentionally. It keeps me balanced. I pride myself on that balance even though my balance has been way off for a couple weeks now. It was almost back in line until last night.

Now, most people have forgiven me for this flaw because I’m a good person overall. I’m generous, thoughtful and respect people. Most people don’t know this about me and never learn it unless they know me for a long, long time. So, I did this to someone last night who’s opinion of me matters and now that person won’t even let me apologize. I guess I’m under a ton of stress to do the right thing, make everybody happy, and be on top of my business. Since my ex left on a bus a couple weeks ago I really am on my own with the exception of some help from my mother and a couple friends. The thing the person was telling me last night hurt me deeply and I just couldn’t process my thoughts properly. So, I said some things I really didn’t mean and I knew this thing would hurt that person as much as what they said to me. I didn’t think about how what I was saying was terrible and counter to how I really felt. So, I’ve corrupted my soul now. This person believes I think this thing that I don’t believe and I can’t apologize.

I’m curious if this stems from my ambition and if so how to control that aspect of me. I know my Grandmother used to do this but I don’t think that’s the only cause. I really hate to lose and don’t easily accept no for an answer. I wonder more and more if the things about me that give me great power over my life and the ability to help others also cause my most serious flaws. If so, that’s very unfortunate and tragic. I have a feeling that this is not uncommon.

I’m just going to throw as much positive energy in to my work and hopefully work off the poison that’s in my spirit right now in hopes that one day I can apologize and have it accepted. Until then I’m going to work on figuring out what this flaw stems from and how to resolve it so I never have to apologize for it again.