Controlling The Fire Within-->

At this point I’m doing everything I can to dump energy in to my creativity. That’s why I’m writing in my blog more, putting more energy in to work, learning music, interacting more outside of the office and generally doing everything I can to express the energy that’s inside of me. This energy that’s inside of me right now is a mix of anxiety, pain, excitement, anger, resentment, love and passion. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so many complex emotions at one time. It’s a difficult transition point in my life for sure. I’m lucky to have friends around me that undertstand what I’m going through. I’d like to thank everyone who has been a pillar of support for me during this time.

The problem is that I can’t find my center and I’m not sure I have one any more. That would mean I have to focus to find a new center or elaborate on my definition of self. The energy flowing through me is so complex and powerful everything I do seems like a minor distraction from the real purpose of my life. I am well known for keeping my cool under a lot of stress and being able to plan and think through problems without getting emotional. But I look at my current mix of situations and really don’t have much of a personal plan. My business is doing okay but it slowed down when I started going through this because it was really hard to sell and be creative when all of this started. So, my work did suffer initially but I’ve been able to use the energy to counter the effects of it’s initial impact. But now, there’s so much of this energy - positive and negative that it feels like a constant battle inside of me. Then every once and a while I turn the valve and am able to release it through individual expression and can keep my calm for a day or a few hours.

I was told by a stranger a long time ago that writing would keep me sane and that it was one of my many gifts. There’s a very thin line between creativity and insanity and I’m really working hard to stay balanced on it right now. It seems even more so that there is a thin line between a gift and a curse. I fell off a couple days ago and it hurt me deeply to do so. I must keep this energy focused and under control as I travel this particular path. Then when I come to my new path in life I’ll be ready to take it on under calm and focus… or at least that is the hope.