The Burden of Gifts-->

A haunting mark on my early report cards helps me remember the ghosts that persist in my life and how to avoid them. You may ask what I'm talking about because I'm obviously being cryptic. I often said whatever I wanted and was very energetic and creative as a small child. I lacked focus and self-control and it was reflected on my earliest report cards. I didn't get bad grades but I'm talking about the marks they give you for your behavior when you are a kid. Ever since then I've been working on controlling and guiding my creativity/imagination.

An expansive imagination and huge amounts of creativity is a great thing and a curse. In business and in writing it allows my mind to be free of the shackles that many other people have around their mind. It allows me to think outside of the box and to envelop my surroundings in possibility and intrigue. Why do things work? How do they work? What drives people to do x? I sometimes think this inquisitive nature and freedom of expression is my biggest gift to the world. Sometimes I also see it as my own personal burden. I think I have mentioned this before in my writings but let me explain.

It's a burden because there's a pressure that weighs on me if I don't use it for the greater good. It's a burden because it makes me suspicious of everyone and everything. That makes me prone to wondering about all kinds of conspiracy and creating negative possibilities where none exist. It allows my mind to go in all directions with the ability to create magnificence as well as the ability to destroy and poison everything around me. It puts me on the verge of driving myself mad sometimes. It makes me look like a crazy person because I am in constant mental exercise of combining information from the world around me and allowing random thoughts to have the forefront of my mind from time to time. It, for certain, keeps the closest people to me on their toes and makes life interesting. 

I believe I'm a constant work in progress and I have a strong drive to improve on myself daily. My drive is to be no better than anyone else but to be better than what I was yesterday constantly driving toward perfection of self - which is an unobtainable goal overall.

There's a bitterness to me these days because I let the world get to me and dull my spirit. I let people have an effect on me that left a stain on my soul. I lived my days, at one point, as if I couldn't be withered by anyone and my strength couldn't be diverted through fear or misdirection.  I pine for those days with an unquenchable thirst. I have let a woman in my life and let her incredibly close to me. My only hope is that I have chosen the right woman to help define my future and someone that will let me heal and grow with me. I am optimistic. But, only time will tell if that is who she is. There are challenges as well as bliss ahead and this will test me as well as those willing to take the journey with me.