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Ever since I became a father I tend to mark certain holidays by my son's growth over that time. You know, kid related holidays, like Easter and Christmas. Pictures and video are good to see how far he's come and what he's doing. I'm real proud of my son. He's smart, developing well and is a very handsome boy. I want to give him every advantage I can. That's one of the reason's I work so hard. I thought it would be cool to share a little Easter Video I made last year around this time for his Easter Egg Hunt in 2009. I'm going to shoot some video this weekend of his Easter and put that up as well!

So, this was last week and I wrote this long article about it but somehow my editor ate it and it didn't get posted. But I'm going to resurrect it from my memory. Basically, my son came in my room for the first time and described a dream which seemed very real to him. It took me a fair amount of time to understand he was describing a dream. I was awake but just laying in the bed and he was running through the house looking for me. This was the morning and normally he knows to come in and come to the door in the morning because I'm asleep. He wakes me up. So it was unusual that he was running around the house. I thought maybe someone else was here but that wasn't the case. He finally did come to the door and came in the room. He told me that he was all alone in the house and Daddy & Alicia (my girlfriend) were outside. He said a doggie had turned out the lights in the green room (his play room). I couldn't understand everything that was going on that he was telling me but I could understand the desperation and loneliness in his voice.

It makes me wonder if maybe he has anxiety about being alone. This among other signs has given me some pause about him clearly having some abandonment issues likely related to his mom moving away from him. He also asks me if she's mad at him. I think he possibly thinks she's mad at him and doesn't want to see him even though I've worked hard to counter these concerns. At this age it's hard for me to know what he thinks. The barrier between what's real and imagination tends to be somewhat thin at this age and for that matter most of early childhood.

I somewhat remember having nightmares about being alone when I was a child. My mom worked a lot because she had a couple jobs when I was growing up just to keep us afloat financially. My father wasn't around a lot when I was a small child either. So, I'm sure I had issues with a lack of attention from both parents. But I wonder if all children have these kinds of dreams about being left alone or if it's because of his situation. I don't really know. I know he seems to be coping well with his mom being away but every now and then I wonder because he says something subtle or worries about me leaving him alone for too long. It's extremely subtle but it's there.

It is interesting to watch my son grow from a baby in to a boy. He's learning very quickly... starting to understand the names of the days and starting to inquire about things he never thought of before. He's approaching boyhood with a wonder and curiosity I'm sure that is common among children his age but it's a unique way for me to experience life again. I'm seeing the world through his eyes and it's a very unique experience which I cherish very much.

So, many of you know that my ex-girlfriend (ie… the mother of my son) left here a couple weeks ago and went back to Virginia. This left me with my son to raise by myself for now. I’ve always thought the process of being a father would be difficult for me to integrate and it has been to some degree. My own father (who I’m close with now) wasn’t in my life to a high degree for a good portion of my youth. So, I don’t really understand how to be a father. I’ve been told that I am a great father and I certainly hope that is true. I try to be as tender as his mother was with him but be more stern and structured than his mother was with him. I make sure, as I always have, that he is well provided for and has the best that can be available to him of everything. Still, I find it difficult to replace his mother and to be his everything. Now, luckily, as I’ve said in the past, my assistant helps and my mother, who lives in her own apartment attached to my house, is a big help too.

There’s a ton of responsibility in guiding him to be a better man than I am. I believe this should be my goal and I work towards it. It also makes it difficult to be me sometimes. I’m very passionate, enjoy a robust social life and tend to be more creative and unstructured. Balancing this against what I need to do as a father causes some tension in my life. I can be structured and I do it all the time in my professional life but in my personal life I’ve always leaned toward less structure and more of a spur of the moment life style. I think my personal style is to counter the amount of planning, strategy and structure that goes in to my professional life.

It’s an amazing thing to wake up and see your son in his room sleeping and know you are going to help mold is future and make him in to a man one day at a time. It can also be overwhelming and frightening. I’m proud to be my son’s father and I hope that I can teach him all the lessons I had to learn on my own. I hope I can give and help him work towards the things that were difficult for me or out of my reach. I hope that one day he won’t have to forgive me for anything I did. I hope he leads a life without regrets and keeps peace in his soul.