lAtesT uNconditionaL wIsdoM -->

I haven't written in a while! A lot of things have happened. Had my birthday party at Pearl Restro in downtown Nashville.... which I may write another article about. Been in a relationship for a while with my new girl. Enjoying life and working hard. I'm focused and back at kicking ass. But, what I want to talk about today is how the seeds of doubt are more poisonous than any other thing in life. Doubt of one's self, doubt of one's partner, doubt of ones friends, etc... Once the seeds are sewn it takes a huge amount of personal strength to kill those seeds. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of my personal journey that I found doubt to be like kryptonite but I see other people paralyzed with doubt and unable to be proactive because they are shadowed in this chaos of doubt and negative inner suggestion. So, I understand from watching others that this is unlikely to be just me. 

Anyone, including yourself, can sew the seeds of doubt in your life if you let it happen. It's not usually because your friends or others want to see you do bad but it's likely because they are looking out for you and trying to make you aware of all the pitfalls that are possible. Be careful not to get overwhelmed in things you cannot control and things that are generally outside of your sphere of influence. Just because something is in your view doesn't mean it's something you can control and it's best to focus on the things you can control and let the things you can't control play themselves out. I am always aware of those things which are out of my control and I have a hard time not trying to control those things or being aware that I can't control them. That's what I'm working on. 

It's true that there are those people that would rather see you fail and the more successful you are the more of those people will live to see your downfall because misery loves company. It can be hard to not tune out the noise of strangers who give warnings out of malicious intent if you aren't used to people who do this type of thing. Surely, this can be a danger to be aware of that can potentially halt or slow your rise through life. Sometimes strangers give gifts and sometimes strangers deal in poison but strangers never give without self interest. I'd rather not let the whispers of strangers clutter my mind but I stay aware and remember the words of strangers. 

Watering the seeds of doubt can be a poisonous endeavor. Remember, all things will eventually come to light in their own time. Nothing can hide forever and every experience in your life has it's purpose and it's imprint of wisdom. 

Thank God for 2010 because as the title says 2009 was kickin my ass. Okay, it wasn’t a bad year by the normal measure. I met a lot of cool people and made a lot of solid networking connections. That being said, there were a lot of things about 2009 that changed for me and put me in extremely awkward positions with people I cared about. A few of the things that looked bad in my personal life such as my breakup were not really all that bad. It just made the year turbulant.

I learned a lot about what I will never do in business ever again but I also learned a lot about what I did right. I also saw some incredible moves that I learned a lot from out of people I associated with in business and my personal life. I definately found out who my real friends were and who really had my back in a time of need.

Looking at my goal list for 2010 I must note that it’s incredibly ambitious but I’ve already knocked a few things off the list. I wrote my goal list around Thanksgiving. There’s a lot of promise with this new year and a lot to be said for a year that nearly knocked me on my ass but gave me a soft place to land. I really learned how able I am to move with change and adapt to situations that others mull over for months.

I learned how much I love my son and all of the things I want for him in life. I learned and am still learning what it’s going to take to get him there. I learned to have some patience and think before I act. I have always been a bit of a doer and not so much a thinker in the past. It’s benefited me in the past and cost me as well. I learned it doesn’t hurt to take a few seconds to reflect before you act on something.

I learned that there are many people that value my perspective and hold me in high regard even though they see my flaws. I learned to see myself better through the eyes of others and to not be so afraid to be a little vunerable. I learned that I’m an extremely talented and gifted person who owes the world all that I can afford to give and thensome for giving me the opportunity to be who I am.

Lastly, I learned to not be bitter when people step on me. I learned to let people be who they are even when you don’t agree with them. I had to learn to let go so I could live for my future and not hold on to my past.

This past year has been one of my best years and one of my worst years. It was filled with wealth, pain, loss, beauty, awakening, renewal, discovery and several minor strokes of genius. My company at a turning point because I’m looking for a new partner and re-organizing the company under a new structure. I’m also considering other options such as working for someone for a year or so. There is still a lot of baggage from my old company but I’m working to clean things up and lighten the load. I want a much more agile and responsible company out of the dust of this re-organization. I’m building something that reflects the point I am at in my life. Even if I do decide to take a break to work for someone I would still build this new company as I can’t help but be an entrepreneur. I can be extremely useful as an employee when properly motivated and when I have a stake in the success of a company. But working for a company that I don’t have stake in was something I said I would never do again. So, I’m having to reconcile that definitive statement I made several years ago with who I am today and where I want to be. Will I do something that I normally wouldn’t do because the circumstances of my life have changed? Well, if I can keep some of my freedom and retain my individualism then maybe I could work for someone for a brief period of time. Of course, I’m making moves in a lot of different directions to protect my interests and make sure I have plenty of opportunity.

As always, my next big move in my career and life will be based on what will make me grow the most as a person and help me fulfill my obligations as a father and a man. This defines most of my choices. I always work to move with life and hold my expectations to a minimum but keep my goals high. I did set my goals for the coming year and wrote them down so I have some targets for my life. So, whatever is going to bring me closer to my goals I will do. Through the achievement of my goals I will grow and fullfill my obligations. 

I am blessed and grateful to be where I am at in my life and I’ve worked extremely hard to get this far mostly unscathed. I hope that with my next big moves in my personal life and my professional life I can manage to build on who I’ve become and come to the end of next year in much better position than I already am.

I love to chase women when I’m interested in one and believe they are unique. I slightly like it more when a woman seems to be a challenge. Notice I said ‘slightly’. Okay, this is a deeply nuanced discussion. I love a challenge. But, I also love attention. When I give a woman my attention and creativity and I get little attention in return I tend to do the opposite of what I did when I was younger. When I was younger the less attention a woman gave me the more I would chase her. Now, I don’t so much have the stomach for a such an endeavor. I am pretty sure back when I was younger I didn’t have nearly as much a sense of self worth and thought I had to fight to prove I was better than I appeared. These days I do have a pretty large sense of self worth so I feel like a woman has to meet me in the middle sometimes during the chase.

Let me further qualify my statements. I do love a challenge and a woman has to give me as much mental game as I give to even be in the same league with me. This means some push and pull, which is fun. But if I have to beg for your time, appriciation and equal contribution to the chase it’s not really worth my energy. I feel that I’m worth a lot. I have a ton of diverse skills & abilities and I adapt quickly.

I believe that many women love the attention that comes with the chase and that’s cool. There’s still that important underlying tradition in our culture of men leading the chase (which I enjoy and I believe many other men do). But almost all men have egos that need attention to be fed. Also, all people want to feel important. Even feeling important in one person’s life is truly valuable to most. So, ladies, if you are being chased by someone who feels you are worth it and you don’t give some chase back then expect that opportunity will be lost in due time. Though, I believe that many women feel more motivated to return attention when guys back off and stop giving them a ton of attention. I know many men who are like this as well. If something comes to easy then it’s not worth having or has no intrinsic value. This is contrary to my logic about how the world should work but observable, nonetheless. Something that comes easy to you may come easy to you because of who you are and what someone sees in you.

So, many of you know that my ex-girlfriend (ie… the mother of my son) left here a couple weeks ago and went back to Virginia. This left me with my son to raise by myself for now. I’ve always thought the process of being a father would be difficult for me to integrate and it has been to some degree. My own father (who I’m close with now) wasn’t in my life to a high degree for a good portion of my youth. So, I don’t really understand how to be a father. I’ve been told that I am a great father and I certainly hope that is true. I try to be as tender as his mother was with him but be more stern and structured than his mother was with him. I make sure, as I always have, that he is well provided for and has the best that can be available to him of everything. Still, I find it difficult to replace his mother and to be his everything. Now, luckily, as I’ve said in the past, my assistant helps and my mother, who lives in her own apartment attached to my house, is a big help too.

There’s a ton of responsibility in guiding him to be a better man than I am. I believe this should be my goal and I work towards it. It also makes it difficult to be me sometimes. I’m very passionate, enjoy a robust social life and tend to be more creative and unstructured. Balancing this against what I need to do as a father causes some tension in my life. I can be structured and I do it all the time in my professional life but in my personal life I’ve always leaned toward less structure and more of a spur of the moment life style. I think my personal style is to counter the amount of planning, strategy and structure that goes in to my professional life.

It’s an amazing thing to wake up and see your son in his room sleeping and know you are going to help mold is future and make him in to a man one day at a time. It can also be overwhelming and frightening. I’m proud to be my son’s father and I hope that I can teach him all the lessons I had to learn on my own. I hope I can give and help him work towards the things that were difficult for me or out of my reach. I hope that one day he won’t have to forgive me for anything I did. I hope he leads a life without regrets and keeps peace in his soul.

I’ve been having extensive talks with my friends about the value of networking. This article will jump around a bit because some of it is connected to other thoughts I’m having right now. But I’ll try to bring it full circle.

It seems obvious to me and I’m sure many others but there are still a lot of people who don’t understand the value or don’t practice networking to add value to their life. It’s difficult to not do some networking if you interract with other people. Life is, in part, a sum of connections we create with people. Those connections create opportunity and in turn give opportunity. You can’t see networking as one sided. You must be willing to be of value and help connect people where there is a need in order to gain from networking. I look at every relationship as an opportunity to help others and as an opportunity to be helped. This isn’t just for business as it also applies to my personal life. I use it when I’m dating or meeting new friends as well as when I’m working on business deals. Personally or professionally, I don’t really see the distinction except in approach. I have good friends who I do business with and good business people who I consider friends. Most people don’t like crossing this line but I consider that nonsense. I love doing business with people I’m friends with and the communication is much easier in those instances. But I could go in to depth on that with another article.

Opportunity can only be created through personal and professional connections. Loose connections will provide more value than strong connections when it comes to networking and building opportunity. The reason for this is that all the people that are tight with you in your circle already know most of the opportunities that you do. However, this is not always the case. But any time you open yourself up to a new group or run in a new circle of people you are gaining access to opportunity and in turn they are gaining access to your friends and all you know (if you are doing this correctly). Giving is the essential key to receiving. It has been my philosophy for some time that if you want to receive something in your life give freely of that thing and abundance will be your result. This is contrary to the thinking of some because the conventional thought is towards hoarding something that you do not have much of. However, that has never lead to success in my own life nor the lives of many I have noticed. There is always enough of whatever you have to be able to give something, even if it’s only a nickel to the hungry man on the corner. Also, love and appriciation are free and feed the soul. If you have nothing you have a kind word and a smile and this will enhance the day of others. Giving that can enhance your day as well.

Oh, so back to this networking thing (: Now that I’m single and have the luck of having people to help me with my son (so I have a bit more time on my hands) I have been expanding my network a great deal to those types of people that I would like to associate with. Unfortunately in my last relationship I was limited to time due to my investment in that relationship and also was limited to the connections I could build with females. I tend to not build many new friendships with females when I’m in a relationship unless my girlfriend is good friends with the female in question. For me this is practical because I don’t like any ambiguity when I’m in a relationship. However, I may change my stance on this for future relationships. It’s kind of out dated and I have much more self control than I did years ago when I setup this rule. Further, I’ve noticed that many women are far better connectors than men. They are more willing to introduce you to their friends and talk more openly about relationships with others.

Lastly, be willing to say hi, smile and shake someone’s hand. Step out of your bubble and touch someone. Be willing to be touched. Find personal and professional interests you have in common. Also find things that you may not have in common but may be interesting nonetheless. Conversation is a freestyle dance of sorts and you must feel out when to lead and feel out when to be lead. Be careful about crude, offensive or disgusting topics… it can be pretty crucial to read your audience and make sure you don’t make a fool of yourself. But don’t worry, everybody makes mistakes now and then. Learn from it when you do and keep it moving. Remember, no amount of genius has been acquired with the willingness to fail.

I was given a gift for my October as part of my renewal that hurt me to the core so much I couldn’t absorb it in to my world. It was like oil trying to mix with the fluid of my life and there was little I could say or do that would deflect it back in to the atmosphere once those cold words hit my ear. The magnitude of this was atomic and it had to be sourced… I needed confirmation in order to be certain of this. The truth could put my world in to chaos in such a way that I would be lost in the wilderness, no longer with the remedy that existed in my heart for the ills of the world. Now my heart is less than it should be and weakened by the dishonesty of those I thought cared for me so deeply that I rarely questioned their word. But my resolve is strengthened by the will to make sure my son is a wiser man than I and to make sure that my life is filled with the peace I deserve. 

In my situation there can be no peace for now and turbulence will have to be a part of who I am for the time being. I must mask how I feel in order to be better because work needs to done, people count on me and to act emotional would be foolish. Emotion is what got me here… being blinded in the face of the truth and not being as watchful as I should have been. I could have asked the right questions to the right people. I could have been something more than what I was. Yet I don’t regret who I am because this was the path to what I needed to be I can only assume. I can learn my lesson but I’m not sure what the real cost is and only time will be my guide for that question. 

It was my highest imperative to not repeat the sins of my parents… to be wiser and to learn from those before. Unfortunately, I may repeat the past and there is little that I can do for that knowing what I know. I hope my son forgives me. I hope he can understand what I could not and do better than I did. I will guide him in that direction and through my best efforts may he learn to be a better man than I could be and see things that I was blinded to.

The burden of truth is more expensive than ignorance and I’m the bearer of a debt now so great that I’m not sure I can sleep at night because my dreams bear the cost of knowing deception’s face. I’ve helped so many and worked hard to do right by the world. I can’t help but feel slighted and feel that the fact the wounds are so deep that it’s my own fault for not seeing I was being cut in the first place. I ignored, I deflected, I excused behavior, and I watched as my spirit slowly devolved in to something less than I can now be proud of. 

I was told by a friend that what someone else does to you says nothing about you but everything about them. This is wise advice but I have a hard time not taking some responsibility for the degree I let myself get harmed. Knowing as much as I know about life and as much as I have learned by watching others make mistakes I am but a child in this universe and have so much more to get out of life. I still feel protected under God’s arm and this will not shake my faith as much as it will strengthen my faith. I will do my best to not be bitter or self-destructive. I have friends I didn’t know existed and through this I will find out who the best of them are.

October is always like my reflection point for the year it feels like. There’s something about watching the the weather cool and knowing that the holidays are coming that makes this time of the year feel unique. Leaves are whisping about the Autum wind and a steaming cup of tea feels that much more welcome against the crispness of the air. It like the coming days are borrowing the last bit of heat from the waivering summer. It gives me a burst of energy and a knowing that I can’t describe but in the words that I will present.

For this October I want a new beginning for myself. I feel the attraction of things in my life that bring me peace, resolution and wealth of the soul’s capital. There’s a tension in the spirit that lets me know I’m at the verge of something greater than myself and informs me that I must stay wise to the signs of life. I’ve let go of the heavy part of my life and let a higher power carry me through these days. I’ve given in to the fact I don’t know where the path leads and that I don’t need to know to see the brightness of each sure step in front of me. I feel almost free of that which bound me to deception and the collusion of others, intentional or not, to dim my light which have only created more source of such light within me.

I don’t fear for the future but know that it holds me dear in the nook of success and the challenges I must face to get where I am heading are only stories for my children and character building measures that make me more vibrant. Tomorrow holds the secret about what was special about the things I faced today and knowing like I know is knowing what the future holds for me.

I sacrificed the world back what I held so dear and somewhere inside it nearly killed me to feel the way I did. But the world will connect me back with what I gave it if it is what is healthy for me and well deserved. I am not above what god demands of me and of what is demanded by my soul for sacrafice. I am not a man of regrets because that which is less desired still serves your soul but maybe I could have done different in this case. Maybe I should have dreamed higher or reached above myself to gain those traits of the spirit which would have balanced me and made me less demanding. But as sure as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow is as sure as I am that knowing what I know now must be needed medication for a weary soul that would have not known otherwise.

When you give in to that thing unseen that gives you a tug on your shoulder and a whisper in your ear or see that fact which is in the midst of illusion enlightenment will be your guide and you can do no harm. I have been given peace by knowing the truth and through the truth I stand whole. If you lead me to the truth may your path be blessed as well. That which you give in good heart you will surely receive.

Lately I’ve been kinda restless. Not really feeling motivated to complete any one task and overwhelmed by a few things. I’m aware part of it is my breakup, some of it is that business has taken a slight dip this month in growth and I am trying to spread my time thinner by spending more time with my son and a little time hanging with my ex-girlfriend. I’m spending a little time with her just so we can be sure that things should be the way they should be right now. So, I’ve been stopping working 12-14 hour days and easing up to work 8-9 hour days instead.

Business puts a lot of demands on you and I would like to say to anyone planning on starting a business "Please, make sure you have the fortitude to deal with the demands of business before you decide you want to run a business." I know, I’m bitching a bit because, really, I love business even though it’s taxing on my spirit sometimes.

This month has been extra difficult for many reasons and thus has made me restless and unable to focus. A lot of old contacts have come back in to my life to contact me, which has been interesting. Also, doing a lot of consulting with people and helping others with advice and words of wisdom. For October I will gain my focus back and put my eye back on the prize. September was the 1 year anniversary of Cogwise Software (which my partner and I started one year ago).

I’m considering a vacation to the Carribean in November and am setting the wheels in motion to make it happen. Already applied for my passport and am putting together some new contracts to increase the available cash flow in our company. Also put up our new website for CogWise Software.

I know this short article is all over the damn place. I just felt like writing and needed to represent my ambition for the coming month to start it off the right way. It’s going to be an effective month. I’ll be writing a lot more this coming month as well.

I’ve been learning the guitar for a little over a month now. I have less time than I would like to practice but so far I’ve been enjoying it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the hour to hour management of my business and dealing with projects that I forget to enjoy the stillness and be creative. It seems some how less important. But I have learned in the past 6 weeks or so that nothing could be farther from the truth.

Learning the guitar is starting to add the ability to focus on other parts of my life and giving me new ways to look at my life. Sometimes to focus better on something and solve issues you have to look away from them. The more you focus directly on an issue the more difficult it becomes to solve. So, taking a break to look away is important. This learning process is my break to look away.

Some ask me, "Why the guitar?". Many people on my mother’s side of the family play the guitar and I enjoy hearing the guitar. Plus, it’s a mobile instrument so I can take it with me and play wherever and whenever I want. Even a more general question is, "Why music?". Music is important to the soul and everybody should have a little music in their life. I’ve been around aspiring musicians and musicians a good portion of my life. I feel music. I know my business and I know web development. I wanted something I could learn to feel and be.

Lastly, life should be full of learning. When you stop learning you die. You should never put yourself in the position to stop learning or assume you know all you need to know. Yes, learning a new thing can be difficult but then you start mastering it and it’s a wonderful process. I was going to learn Spanish while I was learning guitar as a challenge but I came to the conclusion I couldn’t make enough time to do so at this point in my career. So, I will learn Spanish after I am at least somewhat decent on the guitar. At this point I’m still learning chords and haven’t really put together my first song.